Conceiving as a Queer Person in Canada Part 2: Trying to Conceive at Home

Written By Lara Esrey

A note: This series will not go in depth into our own conception journey, in order to protect the privacy of our donor and our child. Nor will it list specific resources.You are always welcome to reach out directly if you would like to connect, or if you are looking for resources - especially if you are either in the Montreal area or in Ontario.

If you are looking for additional support, I offer fertility & conception doula support which you are welcome to read more about here.

Trying to Conceive at Home

For folks working with a known donor, this may be a logical place to start, if there are no known fertility issues. It is, generally, still recommended to have the person who is planning to become pregnant and the donor do a basic fertility workup. This is sometimes easier said than done, as we know that limitations such as not having a family doctor exist. At the very least, a donor should be tested for any infectious diseases, including STIs and HIV.

You can also conceive at home if you are using sperm from a sperm bank, however, you typically also have to work with a fertility clinic, as sperm banks will typically not release sperm directly to an individual, but rather to a bank who will then release it to you. In this case, you will need to find a clinic willing to cooperate on this, and the fourth section of this series (upcoming!), “Working with a Fertility Clinic” may be relevant to you as well.

Getting Ready

For the person with the uterus— the next part is understanding your cycle and ensuring that you understand how to track your cycle to become pregnant. An egg, once ovulated, lives for 24 hours inside the body, whereas fresh sperm can live for 5+ days (frozen sperm, if you are using sperm from a sperm bank or pre-banked sperm, lives about 24 hours so getting the timing right in this scenario is more vital). This means that the ideal time to do an at home insemination is just before ovulation. I won’t be getting into the nitty gritty of cycle tracking, etc., here, but I will include some resources to support you in learning about this at the end.

Because the laws in Canada are generally quite supportive of queer families, it is not necessarily mandatory to have a legal agreement drawn up between intended parents and donor, however, it is still the recommendation, if a family can afford it (note, this can cost $1500 or more, as usually you will need one lawyer for the intended parent(s) and one lawyer for the donor). This is not legal advice, I am not a lawyer!

You may have heard at home conception referred to as the “turkey baster method” — there is a tiny bit of truth in this, but, anyone who has navigated trying to conceive with a donor at home will tell you one key difference: the instrument you use for insemination is much smaller! There are special round-tip syringes on the market that are designed for this purpose, but a more economical option is simply a small needleless syringe.

A Brief How-To

Note: The following section of this piece will describe in some detail how to perform at home insemination. I will use anatomical terms. If you don’t want to read this, simply skip ahead to the “What’s Next” subheading.

When first starting, at home insemination may seem overwhelming, scary, or messy. But it is easy to get the hang of! Once the semen sample is collected, ideally in a small, sterile container (you can order these online!), it needs to sit until it liquifies, which can take anywhere from 5-30 minutes. Then, it needs to be kept at body temperature during this time, so think about keeping it snug in your armpit or in your shirt. Once the consistency has changed, the person being inseminated should lie down, and then the sample should be drawn up into the syringe, and then inserted into the vagina, as close to the cervix as possible.

There are a million tips and tricks out there that folks swear by for how to get this to work. But, at the end of the day, all that needs to happen is that some of the sperm need to travel through the cervix at the right time, ideally just before ovulation to be waiting for an egg. You may choose to lie down for some time afterwards, but this is not necessary.

Tip! If you have never dealt with semen before, be aware that it will leak out when you stand up - gravity! You may wish to shower and/or use a pad to catch any leakage. This is just the additional seminal fluid leaking out, rest assured that the sperm themselves will have swum up through the cervix and will not fall out.

In an ideal scenario, you would try to inseminate twice during a cycle around ovulation to increase the chances of conception. Of course, this is not always a possibility. If only doing one insemination per cycle, aim for the day of, or before, ovulation.

What’s Next

A common question I hear people asking is: how long do I try this for? And, like so many questions in the TTC journey, the answer is personal. It will depend on a variety of factors, such as age, fertility status, availability of a donor and/or cost of sperm, and more. I’d recommend setting yourself in which you will check in about how you are feeling about trying to conceive at home. I would also recommend making a plan for what you might choose to do if you’ve not been successful after a period of time. For some, that might be after two cycles of trying, for others, a year. You may also choose to seek additional testing at some point, change donors, or incorporate medications. Like so many parts of this journey, there are many micro decisions to be made along the way. I encourage lining up support for yourself so that you have people to lean on.

Resources

Come back for part three: Health Canada Regulations. In the meantime, you can reach out to Lara for fertility & conception support here.

Lara Esrey
Next

Conceiving as a Queer Person in Canada Part 1: Preconception Planning